A Perfect Love

First John chapter 4 verse 18 say's "There is no fear in love: but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath punishment, and he that feareth is not made perfect in love." The Bible tells us that in Christ we are not to have fear. Unfortunately fear is part of our human nature, as well as worrying. Throughout the Bible the words fear and worry are often used interchangeably. How often do we find ourselves wrapped up in our daily lives worrying about what needs to get done, how the bills will get paid, or how the kids will be raised. How often we forget that we have a God that gives us the answers and the peace we need to give up those fears and worries.

In the book of Luke chapter 12 starting in verse 4-7 Jesus tells us about fear. "I tell you, My friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear Him who after He has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear Him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." So Jesus is telling us that the only thing to be afraid of is Him. If you have given your heart to Christ than He takes on all of your fears and worries. He cares about you so much that He even knows how many hairs are on your head. No worry is to small for Him.

Jesus gives us a command concerning worry in the book of Matthew chapter 6 starting in verse 24 through 30. " Therefore I say unto you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for  they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so cloths the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith." In this passage Jesus tells us to look at the world around us when we are in fear and be reminded of His provision and care. He talks of birds and flowers and how well they are cared for and yet they do nothing to earn this provision. Jesus goes on to say that we are so much more important to Him than the birds of the air or the flowers in the field, we will be cared for much better than they.

Jesus goes on to finish His command in verses 31 through 34. "Therefore do not worry saying 'What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Here lies Christ's promise to us. He promises that if we trust in Him He will provide all that we need.

Now does this mean that it will get any easier to let go of those things that we worry over and fear, or that once we do give them up they will never return? Unfortunately fear and worry is part of our sinful nature that we were given as a result of the fall of man. We are human and we will have fear, but what this means is that if we trust God and lay our fears and worries at the foot of the cross, He will provide everything that we need, even if that means we are praying for the same thing over and over again, don't give up on God, He will never give up on you.So I leave you with this question : How big is your God?

I Don't Want to Be a Goat!

 

 What does it mean to serve God?

We are getting so close to  heading out on our mission trip to Argentina and God has begun to impress on my heart what the true meaning of service is. As I was praying this morning God reminded me of a scripture from Matthew on service.

"But when the Son of Man shall come in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then shall He sit on the throne of His glory: and before Him shall be gathered all the nations: and He shall separate them from one another, as the shepherd separateth the sheep from the goats; and He shall set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. Then shall the King say unto them on His right hand, 'Come ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry, and ye gave me to eat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink; I was a stranger, and ye took me in; naked, and ye clothed me; I was sick, and ye visited me; I was in prison, and ye came unto me.'

'Then shall the righteous answer Him, saying Lord, when saw we thee hungry, and fed thee? or athirst, and gave thee drink? And when saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked , and clothed thee? and when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? '

And the King shall answer and say unto them, 'Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye did unto one of these my brethren, even these least, ye did it unto me.'" Matt 25:31-40 NAS

The passage goes on to state that the goats were the people who did not take care of those in need and they were sent  to the eternal fire. So the Bible is very clear that we are to serve those in need, but as I was praying on this I saw something more. When Jesus told the sheep that He had set aside that they were the righteous ones they asked Him why. They wanted to know when they had served God in the manner in which He spoke. This showed me that they were not serving God for their glory, but for Gods glory.

This brings me to the heart of the matter. Where is my heart at when I am serving God? Do I serve Him so that I look good and that people will see me and say "good job?" Or am I serving God in secret not looking for recognition? When I think about my first moment in heaven am I thinking about all of that treasure I have stored up for myself or am I thinking about how glorious God is. The Bible says "When therefore thou doest  alms, sound not a trumpet before thee, and the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you , they have received their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right had doeth: that thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father who seeth all shall recompense thee." Matt 6:2-4

So now I search my heart and pray that I am not a goat, but as I go out to serve the Lord I am doing so to serve Him and not myself or others. I pray that I am open to do His will whether or not I am comfortable doing so, and I pray that I am able to set aside things I want to do if they will not bring glory to God. I pray for you too beloved that you pray this as well. May your service bring glory to God and may you not be a goat either.

What Does it Mean to Pray Without Ceasing?

Prayer has been on my mind a lot lately. In First Thessalonians 5:17 we are commanded to pray without ceasing. But what does that mean? Does it mean I spend my entire life, every minute of the day in prayer? You know' I have a feeling that is not what Paul meant when he wrote that. I think that what he means is that we are to put all things to the Lord in prayer. When you have a big decision to make, when you are facing a trial, when you are worried about a friend, when you are struggling with anger or addiction, or simply want to rejoice. God should be first in your mind. I cant tell you how often I have ceased praying and tried to do things my own way only to fall flat on my face. My life is so much better off with God in charge.

Jesus is a great example of prayer. All over the gospels you see Jesus seeking out a secluded place to spend time in prayer to His Father. How often do we forget that when Jesus came down to earth He came down exactly like us, meaning He had to communicate with God the same way we do, through prayer. He prayed so much that even in his darkest moments He was on his knees. But what is amazing about His prayer is not just how often He prayed but what He prayed about. In the garden of Gethsemane He prayed for His disciples (John 17:6-19) then He prayed for all believers (John 17:20-26). These were no passing prayers, they were heartfelt and passionate, they showed of His love for those he called His own. But even more amazing was His prayer upon the cross for those who crucified Him. "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do." (Luke 23:34). Even in His last moments of life He prayed for the unsaved.

This makes me look at my life and ask a few questions. How much time do I spend in prayer. Is it a passing moment? Maybe a foxhole prayer here and there? Or am I a bit more diligent and pray every morning? I have been guilty of all of these kinds of prayer. But the question is do I pray like Jesus prayed and like Paul commanded of us. Do I pray through out the day? Not as often as I should. Also what and who am I praying for. Yes I pray for my loved ones, that comes easy. But do I pray for the uncomfortable things? Am I praying for those who are not saved? Am I praying for the people who have hurt me? Am I praying for a more compassionate and merciful heart? Am I bearing others burden in prayer? Not as I should. I don't think anyone's prayer life is perfect. But we were given and amazing example in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I want to strive to follow it. If I do then I think I will find more than enough to pray about to keep me praying without ceasing.

An Abandoned Child Finds Peace

A few days ago I was chatting with my best friend and I found out that she did not know my testimony, and I wondered how that happened. Jesus Christ saved my life in a powerful way, and that story is meant to be shared. The more I thought about it the more I realized that very few people actually knew how I cam to know the Lord and why He is so important in my life that I would sacrifice everything for my faith. As I was pondering this Jimmy mentioned that we might need to turn in out testimony at the mission meeting this week. So I figured it is time to tell my story. That is why Jesus gave it to me in the first place. I do not want to hide His light under a basket. So here goes:

The picture above is of my sister and I shortly before we were adopted. From what I understand my birth father died in the military about a month before I was born, and my birth mother found herself saddled with two very young children and grieving. From what I gather she had a mental break down and could no longer care for us, so we went into foster care. When I was four and my sister six we were adopted and were moved form Oak Harbor Washington to San Diego California. My sister and I were fortunate enough to be adopted together.

The home we moved into was an upper middle class one where image was everything and God did not exist. Our adoptive parents fed us, clothed us, and loved us to the best of their ability. But as we grew up and became teenagers things changed.

Now I do not want to use this space to bash my adoptive parents, because it is not all their fault. I will be the first one to admit I was not the ideal child. I was independent, opinionated, and a fighter. I was always picked on in school because I was hyper active (ADHD is what I was diagnosed with). I desperately wanted friends and I would do anything to be liked. That unfortunately included lying and making up stories so people would like me. It in a way had become my defense mechanism.

It was through this lying that I had problems with my parents. My Dad was a quiet one who almost never stepped in and my Mom was a fighter, very much like me. We would spend hours fighting and neither of us would give in, and during those fights my Mom would say horrible things. Things that made me feel not good enough. Growing up I felt like I could never add up to what my Mom wanted from me. I think in a way she struggled with not being able to have children and then she got me. I did not admit it at the time but I was also struggling with my own understanding and feelings about being adopted. I wanted to be different so I hid how hurt and confused I was about being adopted. Deep inside I felt that I truly was no good and defective because I was not good enough for both sets of parents. I felt that neither of them wanted me.

So I continued to fight and lie to my Mom, I did not know what else to do. During High School I was sent to therapy and it was determined that I had problems with depression, and I was put on antidepressants. When I graduated High School I got to go away to college in Indiana. Now growing up Mom and Dad were very strict. I was grounded almost the whole time I was in High School, so I never really had the opportunity to have much of a social life, or a life unsupervised by my parents. Needless to say when I got to school I went a little crazy, I skipped classes, I stayed up all hours, I could not manage money, and I mismanaged my medication for depression. It is important to note that I had been on some sort of psychological medication since I was a child, first for ADHD and second for depression, so when I ran out of meds I crashed hard.

My life began to spin so much out of control that I ended up un the suicide hospital. I had begun hitting myself. All of the emotions about feeling not good enough, and feeling abandoned came rushing at me, because I no longer had a drug to numb how I felt. I had no idea how to numb the pain so I took a belt and hit myself with it. My RA in my dorm herd it and called 911. I stayed in the hospital for a few days and when I got out my Mom came and brought me home. I was placed back on my meds and added a sleeping pill, and anti anxiety medicine. I had to be retaught how to live, how to eat and care for myself.

A few months after I came home my sister and cousin graduated from college and we had a big party at out home for them. At that party my Aunts new husband was talking about Alcoholics Anonymous and how it had helped him find a better life. I was desperate for help, therapy had not worked. So I lied and told him I had a drinking problem, and he took my to my first meeting that day. When I walked in the room I was instantly welcomed warmly. I thought maybe I had found the answer. So I made up a story and started to work the program. I met my husband there and got a sponsor. Our sponsors were even married to each other.

But the problem was it was all a lie, and I still found no peace in my life. My sponsor was very strict, and I think also new the truth and would not give me a break, and to be honest for that I am grateful because that is what brought me to my knees. I can tell you that my sponsor was just as tough and harsh with me as my mother was and that brought out fresh all the pain of rejection and abandonment that I had tucked away and numbed with meds. My sponsor encouraged me to get off the meds.

About 4 years into AA I was feeling more alone then ever. My marriage was rocky, and whose wouldn't if it was based on a lie, and I had no friends. My mother did not approve of my husband and my sponsor, so she was not talking to me either. So I found myself once again pulling the belt out to numb the pain. Now AA encourages you to have a relationship with a higher power and I had chosen God, but I did not take Him seriously. But after a few days of hitting myself I told God that if I did it again I was going to give up and turn myself into the hospital and go back on my meds. That night I pulled the belt out again and begged God to stop me. That was when I felt something grasp my wrists and stop me. God had answered my prayer. He reached out and stopped me. Then He told me that He loved me and had always been there with me, and that He was my  true father. I have never hit myself again, nor have I needed any psychological medications.

I wish I could say that after that encounter I immediately stopped lying and my life was fantastic. It took another year for me to truly seek Jesus and what He wanted for me. I was still broken, stubborn, independent, and afraid to trust; after all was I not the master of lying? So I found my self on my knees once more. The song "Broken and Beautiful" was popular at the time, and I finally saw that I was broken. God showed me in a vision this wonderful place and told me that I could not go there. So I hit my knees and begged God to break me completely I wanted to be Broken and Beautiful in His eyes, and I told Him I would do whatever it took. It was then that I saw that I had to tell the truth, even if it meant loosing the only people I felt loved me.

So I called everyone and told them the truth, that I was not an alcoholic, that I just wanted attention. And you know God is so merciful, everyone was so kind and understanding, even when I deserved their anger and hatred. It was after I came clean that God really began to work in my life. I discovered this amazing and loving God that loves me no matter what, and that it is not about what I do or don't do, it is about His love. That's it, nothing more nothing less. Jesus Died on the cross for me, and rose again on the third day so that I could spend eternity with Him.

But He did more that that. He showed me how He only wants good things for me, and that He will restore the years the locust have taken from me. A couple of years ago Jimmy and I left AA for good. We began to go to church and meet fellow Christians who taught me how to be a wife and a friend. I still have so much to learn and I am far from perfect. But God changed me and healed me. I no longer lie to be liked, and the few occasions that I lied God convicted me and I repented and made amends.

I do still struggle with abandonment fears, but I also know that I have Jesus. About a year ago God showed me that He could not take me into that beautiful place, that happier life because I would not put Him first in my life. I needed to let Him break me and make me new for me to have that new life. He then showed me a beautiful mosaic. There were dozens of pieces of broken pick glass that were put back together in the shape of a heart and God had tied a ribbon around it. It was then that I saw that this broken and abandoned child was indeed beautiful to God!


Here is a link to the song I mentioned: Broken and Beautiful by Mark Shultz

It happend so fast!

 

 Here he is my pride and joy, my blessing from God, my son Mikey. What happened to him?!? Is seemed like only yesterday he was a baby in my arms and now I take him to his first swim lesson. He is getting ready to finish up first grade. He has discovered the amazing wonders of climbing tree's, and he is better at electronics that I am.Yesterday when I took his pic at swim lessons I looked and realized that he no longer has a baby face. He is all boy, with his own unique attitude and personality. He is all boy and loving it.

Mikey still has many years to go before he becomes a man, even though currently he thinks that you become a man when you hit third grade. But this is one of those beautiful moments in a parents life that you sit back an just be amazed at what an amazing person God has gifted you with to raise. Now I sit back in prayer and thank God for Mikey, an ask that He makes me the mom  that He would have me be.

"God thank you for this beautiful child that You have trusted me to raise. Give me the wisdom to raise him up to know You. Help me teach him Lord to be a good and fair man, one that You would find glory in. Lord let me be an example to him of what it means to follow You."

Welcome to my new adventure in blogging!

Hello everyone!! I have been inspired to create a blog by my wonderful friends who keep in touch through blogging. God willing I can keep up with it and do a good job. I am looking forward to using this space to share my love for Jesus, give updates on any mission projects that I  am working on, and the keep friends and family posted on the happenings in my life.

Right now I am looking forward to school being finished in just a couple of weeks. I have four papers left to turn in and that will be it for the summer. I am so looking forward to relaxing and reading books that I picked out. I am also excitedly preparing for our mission trip to Catamarca, Argentina in July. I am so excited to get to teach VBS to the local kids and get to know the wonderful people in Argentina. I am little nervous because I only took two years of Spanish in high school about 12 years ago and I got really bad grades. So communication will be a challenge. I trust Jesus though in providing a way to communicate, after all Gods love is in all languages.

Well I must get going and write my papers. I look forward to hearing from you and please let me know wha you would like to hear about from me in my blog.
God Bless you today and everyday.